The Cell Block Tango
by Thrae Elddim
Summary: On stage, they had artistic differences. Behind the scenes, Sakura realized that "Lipschitz" is everything she never knew she wanted. A DeiSaku oneshot.


Disclaimer: No, I do not own Naruto or the Cell Block Tango. I'm just borrowing because this damn plotbunny won't leave me alone!

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><p>'This is it,' Sakura thought, swallowing heavily, 'This is what we've been practicing for.'<p>

It was a humid June night in Konoha, perfectly fit for stargazing or frolicking in the surrounding woods. Instead, she was behind the red curtain of the school auditorium waiting for her turn to come onto the stage.

"We can do this," murmured Ino, wringing her hands together, "We can do this..."

Everyone else in their act looked nervous as all hell. Reactions were everything from slight trembling (Temari) to dry heaving (Hinata), but the show must go on.

As if reading her mind, the drama teacher started to speak. "And now for our last performance, we have a very special piece of musical theater!" Kakashi-sensei shouted to be heard the whole way through the amphitheater, "Please give it up for some of my favourite students, who have take on the Cell Block Tango from the movie Chicago!"

A roar of applause came from the audience. If anything, it made Sakura think of making a grab for her own sick bag.

"Relax," whispered Deidara, squeezing her hand, "We'll be great." He was her partner for the act, and for that fact alone they were extremely physically comfortable together.

With a wink and a toothy grin at the main performers, Kisame slid between the curtains. "And now, the six merry murderesses of the Crookem County Jail in their rendition of... the Cell Block Tango," he introduced in the deep, smooth voice they recruited him for. With practiced ease, he then melted back between the curtains.

"Pop."

"Six."

"Squish."

"Uh-uh."

"Cicero."

"Lipschitz."

"I betcha you would have done the same!" Hinata accused in a remarkably strong voice. Her eyes sparkled as she grinned at the curtain in front of her.

"Pop."

"Six."

"Squish."

"Uh-uh."

"Cicero."

"Lipschitz."

With that, the girls made their entrance. One by one they marched out: Ino, Tenten, Konan, Temari, Hinata and Sakura. All business, all confidence, no nervousness, they started dancing.

The second that she was out on the stage, Sakura's fears vanished. She was _born_ to do this.

"They had it coming," the girls sang, moving with the beat of the song, "They had it coming. They only had themselves to blame. If you'd have been there, if you'd have seen it, I betcha you would have done the same!"

"Pop!"

"Six!"

"Squish!"

"Uh-uh!"

"Cicero!"

"Lipschitz!"

At the end of the chorus, only Temari was left standing in the middle. Sakura and the rest had slowly migrated to the background and sides, crouching so as to not really be noticed.

A little late, Shikamaru slouched out from behind the curtain. He was nearly invisible in the shadows, until the spotlight shone on him.

"You know how people have those little habits that get you down," Temari sighed, sashaying backward toward her boyfriend, "Like Ernie... Ernie liked to chew gum." She paused dramatically. "No, not chew... Pop..." The sneer on her face made it obvious what she thought about that as she put her hand on Shikamaru's shoulder.

Somehow, he didn't look quite so bored anymore...

"So I came home this one day and I'm really irritated, looking for a little bit of sympathy; and there's Ernie, laying on the couch, drinking a beer and chewing," Temari told the story casually, while wrapping herself slowly around Shikamaru, "No, not chewing... Popping! So I said to him, I said, Ernie, you pop that gum _one more time_...' And he did."

She sighed, as if feeling regretful of that fact. If he really did anything like that, she'd probably have his head and not feel any guilt at all.

Seeming to know that, Shikamaru gulped. Still, he turned and readjusted them slightly. How such a skinny, lazy guy could work with both their weight so easily, Sakura could never figure out.

"So I took the shotgun off the wall, and I fired two warning shots..." Temari continued, her voice gaining a wicked edge as she slid off of him and into the vertical splits, "... Into his _head_." With that, she laid her ankle on his shoulder and he tumbled forward, working perfectly so that she drew a red cloth out of his shirt.

As Sakura sang the chorus again, she grinned at the sight of Shikamaru earnestly trying to scramble away. He didn't succeed, and was pounced upon before being drawn into a true tango. It was hilarious how much of a perfectly mismatched, dysfunctional, perfect item they were.

They drew off to the side, making room for Ino to slip out from the middle of the curtains. "I met Ezekiel Young from Salt Lake City about two years ago, and he told me he was single..." she smiled, leaning on Sai slightly, "And we hit it off right away."

'Damn right they had,' Sakura thought, lips twisting with mischief, 'And it was all thanks to me.'

"So we started living together," Ino continued, moving slowly with Sai into an intimate but still publicly acceptable embrace, "He'd go to work, he'd come home. I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner. It was like heaven in two and a half rooms." She gave a cynical smile at that point.

Playing his part perfectly, Sai dropped flat onto his back. He was blank as always, but he couldn't have been unhappy with Ino straddling him like she was now.

"And then I found out... "Single," he told me. Single, my ass!" Ino exclaimed, face twisting into a nasty expression, "Not only was he married, oh no, he had six wives... One of those Mormons, you know. So that night when he came home from work, I fixed him his drink... As usual." She leaned down so that they appeared to be kissing.

'They probably are, those horndogs,' Sakura thought, bemused, 'They've had plenty of practice with _that_ part of the scene...'

Ino drew up again with a red cloth between her teeth, drawn straight out of Sai's mouth. "You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic!" she proclaimed, directly before rolling off of her boy toy.

They got up and started to tango, perfectly in tune with Temari and Shikamaru. Besides the pigheaded girls actually getting along, that was what took the longest part to perfect. It also provided a great distraction to keep attention off of where Tenten and Neji got into place.

Again the girls sang the chorus. Sakura's feet were starting to fall asleep, but still she stayed perfectly still. 'Think of the A,' she coached herself, 'Think of the A, think of the A...'

The previous two couples move off to the side when it was time, leaving Neji and Tenten circling each other like birds of prey. "Now I'm standing in the kitchen, carving up a chicken for dinner," Tenten growled, "Minding my own business. In storms my husband Wilbur in a jealous rage. "You've been screwing the milkman" he said. He was crazy. And he kept on screaming, "You've been screwing the milkman!"" They came together in a fierce embrace.

That was definitely Neji and Tenten. He was cold tempered, but once he got going it was almost impossible to stop him. She was more of a firecracker, always doing something spontaneous and dragging him along for the ride.

"And he ran into my knife," Tenten told the audience matter-of-factly, "He ran into my knife ten times." They whirled apart, with Tenten drawing a long red cloth out of Neji's waistband.

The chorus was sung again while Tenten pulled her "victim" closer and the other couples tangoed. At the end Neji ended up on the floor, something he had expressed a great displeasure with for months now. They froze in place when the spotlight was directed to Konan and Pein.

Sakura spied Ino's leg beginning to tremble almost immediately. She was in a strenuous position to hold, being dipped with one leg wrapped around Sai. It made Sakura rather grateful that she was still kneeling.

Meanwhile, Konan and Pein appeared as star-crossed lovers almost. The way they moved together was graceful, their movements delicate. It was like they were made for each other. Konan spoke the foreign words with complete familiarity and not a single slip-up, her feelings for him transparent to anyone with sight or hearing.

"Yeah, but did you do it?" asked Temari's voice. Somehow, Sakura didn't see her lips move at all as she spoke.

Konan's eyes sparkled with fake tears as she shook her head. "Uh-uh!" she vehemently denied, "Not guilty!"

The couples started moving again, dancing slowly. The stage cleared just in time for Hinata to strut out to center stage. "My sister Veronica and I did this double act, and my husband _Charlie_ traveled around with us," she told the audience, distaste apparent as she named her husband.

Gracefully, Gaara and Hanabi slid up onto the stage and then their feet.

"Now for the last number in our act, we did these twenty acrobatic tricks in a row," Hinata explained, coming to stand between the two, "One, two, three, four, five. Splits, spread eagles, back flips, flip-flops, one right after the other."

The three made various poses, ending with Gaara's hand clasped in Hanabi's on her hip. That part had always frustrated them all; Gaara was uncomfortable touching her, Hanabi still thought boys were gross, and Hinata just wanted to get it done and over with. Really, they were only picked for the role because it was obvious Hinata and Hanabi were sisters.

"Well this one night, here we are at the hotel Cicero," Hinata wove the story as they all separated and only she remained in the spotlight, "Boozing, having a few laughs. We ran out of ice, so I go out to get some." She shrugged carelessly, an innocent smile tilting her lips. "I come back, open the door, and there's Veronica and Charlie... doing number seventeen- the spread eagle!"

At that point, a secondary spotlight illuminated Hanabi and Gaara. This was the part that until last week Gaara had refused to practice: his kneeling between her spread legs, supporting her back as her arms wound about his neck. For all intents and purposes, it looked like she was being ravished senseless.

A discreet glance at the audience showed Sakura that Mr Hyuuga was scowling. God only knows, he was going to throw a fit once the show was over.

"Well I was in such a state of shock, I blacked out. I can't remember a thing," Hinata said dramatically, caressing her hands together, "It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands I even knew they were dead!" She pulled two red cloths from her wrist bands, letting them hang over her hands like a river of blood.

Suddenly the stage was alive and awash in red light, movement everywhere. "They had it coming," the girls sang gleefully, "They had it coming. They had it coming all along!"

Dancing saucily with her sister and her crush (since Naruto came out of the closet last year), Hinata boldly shouted out, "I didn't do it, but if I'd done it, how can you tell me that I was wrong?" There wasn't a single trace of meekness in her as she performed the steps perfectly, flaunting her generous curves in a corset, short skirt and opaque black tights.

Sakura was proud of what she saw as she sang out with them, "They had it coming, they had it coming, they took a flower in its prime! And then they used it, and they abused it! It was a murder, but not a crime!" In the chaos, she made her way to the center and back of the stage, slowly standing as the other murderesses made a circle around her and sank to the floor.

Deidara's touch sparked as he came up behind her. "I loved that Lipschitz more than I could possibly say," Sakura told the audience, arms folded over her bust. She struggled to not shiver as he nuzzled her hair.

"He was a real artistic guy... sensitive... a sculptor," Sakura changed the lyrics slightly to fit better, grinning up at Deidara as they got into tango position. The other murderesses rose and circled the pair slowly, like predators waiting to feast.

Deidara took a couple of turns with her, stroking the skin right above her waist band. "But he was troubled," Sakura continued, unable to draw her eyes away from her partner, "He was always trying to find himself. He'd go out every night looking for himself, and along the way... he found Ruth, Gladys, Rosemary, and Irving." Her tone purposely fell flat as she mentioned the other man and was released from Deidara's hold.

She watched with some amusement as he acted like the sensual, self-indulgent twit Lipschitz apparently was. It was a struggle to not imagine her own hands instead of Deidara's roving his chest and neck, loosening up the red cloth hidden in his shirt.

"I guess you could say we broke up because of artistic differences," Sakura sighed, allowing her hands to roam freely now, "He saw himself as alive..." Her fingers snagged the edge of the cloth, sampling the skin of his chest while she was at it.

"And I saw him as _dead._"

Deidara accidentally let out his wheeze a little early, but it was ignorable. Directly after the cloth was pulled tightly against his throat he dropped to the floor, and began dragging himself away right when the chorus started.

As she sang and danced, it was all done without focus. Sakura's eyes were glued to where Deidara had slid off the stage and now stood leaning on it. He watched appreciatively, lips curled upward in that infuriating (sexy) smirk he displayed so often.

"You pop that gum one more time!" Temari goaded.

"Single my ass," Ino accused.

"Ten times," Tenten bragged.

Konan said her piece about Uncle Sam, still in Hungarian.

"Number seventeen- the spread eagle," Hinata said, disgust coating her words.

"Artistic differences," Sakura finished. Her eyes never wavered from where they were locked on Deidara, even as she struck her pose.

"I betcha you would have done the same!"

All the spotlights shut off, signaling the end of the act. In the darkness the merry murderesses scurried offstage. With one last look back at the audience, Sakura slipped between the red velveteen curtains.

"Now those are some high kicks!" commented Kakashi-sensei, back on the stage, "This is the end of our show! Please give the six merry murderesses, their victims, and the rest of the performers a big round of applause!"

Hoots, hollers and the deafening sounds of a hundred hands clapping together echoed around the amphitheater. It was a reception worthy of a professional show.

The six girls backstage barely took note however, as they squealed and jumped in their group hug. "We did it!" they chanted, whooping and giggling, "We did it, we did it!" Still high on adrenaline, they all boasted wide smiles. Even Konan's eyes were shining with triumph, not her usual cool self at all.

Once separated they still laughed and joked, radiating exuberance. "Your dad looked ready to kill when he saw you," Ino panted to Hinata, stretching her arms over her head.

"What's done is done," Hinata returned quietly with a shrug, "I'm just glad that this went off without a hitch." She was glowing with exertion and pride.

"It was a minor miracle," Temari agreed, "Especially getting Shikamaru to participate. I was sure I'd have to blackmail Kankurou into it." She looked disgusted with the mere thought of dancing with her brother.

Shikamaru snorted, slowly fading out of the shadows. "It was this or no sex," he shrugged, "It seemed worth it." As always he appeared lackluster, but there was a sharp glimmer in his dark eyes.

Adrenaline still pumping in her veins, Sakura felt like she was floating the whole way to the dressing rooms. The room was quiet, peaceful and best of all, empty. Not that she didn't love her friends, but she needed some time alone after such a momentous occasion.

'It's hard to believe it's finally over,' ran through her mind as she grabbed her burgundy backpack. In a changing room she swiftly replaced her sticky performance clothes with fresh street clothes. The lacy red corset was turned in for a tee; the puffy black skirt, fishnets and spandex shorts for comfy jeans.

Feeling herself again, Sakura shouldered her backpack. She opened the door, walked out and... collided with something solid. The smell of clay and smoke that filled her nose corrected her: not something, a certain someone.

"That eager to see me, hm?" chuckled Deidara.

Sakura glared up at him, cheeks flushed. "Not likely!" she told him, but the smile on her face said otherwise.

"Aw, sad," Deidara pouted, before he broke out in a grin. "You were amazing up there, hm," he complimented eagerly, "You were all in sync, and it was... artistic." That was the highest compliment he ever gave anything that didn't involve fire, a touching sentiment.

Accordingly, Sakura's mouth split in a joyful smile. "That means a lot to me," she murmured. She could barely hear herself over the revelry still taking place up the corridor, but from Deidara's answering nod he got the message.

For a moment they stood there, just looking at each other. Sakura noticed for the first time that his nose was slightly crooked; perhaps it had been broken? His eyes had grey flecks in them, and his eyelashes were darker and thicker than hers. No fair...

'Is he getting closer?' she thought, breath coming shallower, 'I could have sworn his eyes weren't quite so big as-' All thinking ceased when she felt his breath misting over her lips.

With no thought to the consequences, Sakura rose onto her toes and closed the distance. Her eyes slid closed and lips pressed against his insistently, _finally_ getting what she never knew she always wanted. The spark she felt earlier was an electric current now as Deidara drew her closer, pressing her body tightly against his.

What started as a chaste, spur-of-the-moment kiss became a heavy make out session fast. Their tongues tangled together passionately, dueling and dancing and learning every inch of each others' mouths while hands roamed. Sakura's fingers were tangled in the same long blonde tresses she had always itched to touch. Heat rose in her blood, screaming for more, more, more...

Finally they broke apart to breathe. 'Why is air necessary again?' Sakura wondered, dazed.

With a sigh, Deidara leaned his forehead against hers. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that, hm," he muttered. His hands massaged her back absently, thumbs working in circles on her tensed muscles.

Her senses were slowly returning, urging her to lose them again. But this had to be sorted out before she could do anything in good conscience. "What now?" Sakura asked.

"Well, that depends," Deidara said with unusual seriousness, "On if you're free for dinner tomorrow night, hm."

There wasn't even a choice for Sakura. "Yes," she breathed, and her lips met his again.

Just three months ago they had been a mismatched pair forced together by a drama final. Now, they were looking forward to a perfect beginning.

At the end of the hall, Ino smiled. Finally, her best friend had a man who was actually _worth_ the trouble. Even if they had cost her twenty bucks to the betting pool.

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><p>I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! Please review and help me become a better writer!<p>

-Thrae


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